As you may know, it was Alcoholics Anonymous who pioneered the famous 12 Step program, which has since been copied and used by many recovery groups and therapists, in varying forms, around the world. In common with one another, 12 Step programs tend to place significant emphasis on the addict finding a spiritual solution to their problem, which they believe is also of a spiritual nature.
Less well-known is the decidedly unspiritual 13th Step, which is where group members take certain matters into their own hands and start approaching other members for sex. Of course it’s not got anything to do with recovery, and may well be one of the few things that will actually see you kicked out of an AA meeting. Nonetheless it happens. Boys will be boys and girls will be girls and all manner of things take place in between. And whilst I didn’t go looking for it, I have encountered the 13th Step myself, only to promptly trip over it and fall flat on my face which is, more often than not, the general outcome.
There are a number of approaches to ‘13th Stepping’, most of which you’d be well advised to avoid. Firstly, comes the predator variety. Usually, but not exclusively, in the form of a man this person comes to meetings deliberately to prey on vulnerable people and take advantage of their situation. The predator may well be an addict themselves, but seeing an opportunity arise, feel the need to go ahead and exploit it. These are, to put in bluntly, sick and potentially dangerous people, in urgent need of help. It’s one thing, perfectly natural I guess, to put a mixed group of people together and find someone chatting up someone else. So long as things are kept respectful and consensual there’s no need to worry. It’s when you find yourself being stalked, coerced or tempted to drink or use again by the person, that it becomes a serious problem. The overwhelming majority of people at AA are there for valid reasons, but it’s not unreasonable to bear in mind that not everyone is who or what they say they are.
Secondly, you get the vulnerable person who blunders into a relationship of some kind with another vulnerable person, neither of whom are ready for, or able to conduct, a loving and stable relationship. Here there is no harm intended, quite the opposite in fact, but things can and probably will go south fast, leaving a trail of emotional and other chaos in its wake (this is kind of what happened to me). In my particular case, the seemingly empathetic individual concerned turned out to have a serious mental health disorder underlying their alcoholism, something I wasn’t aware of at first. I’ll spare the gory details but needless to say, scenes of domestic chaos ensued, real people got hurt, and things didn’t end well for anyone. Two sick people don’t generally make a well couple.
The third version is where two people in recovery meet each other and, via the sense of empathy and mutual support engendered by groups such as AA, end up together in a loving and stable relationship. This isn’t really 13th Stepping as such, as it suggests the mutual respect and stable consent clearly lacking in the first two approaches. Nonetheless there are risks and this approach is usually best found by spiritually and emotionally balanced people, well into their journey of recovery.
I once interviewed the American crime writer James Ellroy, a noted member of the fellowship, who told me that, ‘A lot of fucking goes on in AA’. I can’t say I’ve found that exactly to be the case for me, but each individual is different and thus approaches a meeting with whatever their agenda is. To be fair, most people who walk into a meeting of AA do so with an earnest desire to stop drinking and that should be everyone’s starting point. If you’re looking to get laid or hook up a dodgy relationship, you’ll probably be best placed to attend a meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous, although again that really shouldn’t be your reason for going.
Be that as it may, the 13th Step has some pedigree, most notably in the form of AA’s sainted co-founder Bill Wilson who, if the scuttlebutt is to be believed, initiated the dark tradition himself, seducing more than one of his younger female disciples, whilst still married to his long-suffering wife Lois. In fact, there are a few ‘things about Bill’ that probably bear discussing. A one-time successful businessman in the 1920s, Wilson went on to lose it all, get it all back and then lose it all again as a result of his seemingly uncontrollable desire for a drink. In fact for lots of drinks. More drinks than you, or even I for that matter, could ever imagine. Wilson was one of the century’s great lushes, an apparently unstoppable alcoholic force, seemingly pre-destined for the insane asylum or an early grave. That he turned it all around by becoming one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous says a great deal about both his strength of character and also about his ability to recognise an idea whose time had truly come. Wilson, his friends and AA in general went onto change and save the lives of untold millions and when the 20th century drew to a close, Time magazine chose him as one its Hundred People of the Century – rightly so, in my view. But Bill was always Bill, chasing tail, and experimenting freely with LSD, as a means of coping with addiction – a hugely controversial thing in AA, even today. Wilson took his first trip under clinical conditions as early as 1956, and believed it could offer users the kind of spiritual insight that, as AA still believe, can help an addict out of their maze. He said:
‘I don’t believe [LSD] has any miraculous property of transforming spiritually and emotionally sick people into healthy ones overnight. It can set up a shining goal on the positive side, after all it is only a temporary ego-reducer…[but] the vision and insights given by LSD could create a large incentive – at least in a considerable number of people.’
So alongside founding Alcoholics Anonymous he was also an early pioneer and herald of the counter-cultural wave the would later sweep across America and the world. Wilson’s final hurrah came, appropriately enough, on his death bed where, realising he was dying, he demanded to be served a glass of whisky and became incensed when it was refused. You really couldn’t make this stuff and put in a novel for fear of the publishers laughing you out of the house, but there it is. ‘We are not saints’, as it says pointedly in AA’s guiding text, The Big Book. No, well, we’re not and neither was Bill.
However it is, don’t let any of this put you off going to a recovery meeting of any sort, if you feel you need to, but I do set it out as cautionary advice, particularly for women. It goes without saying that sex is an inherent part of our nature and is, hopefully for all of us, ‘a good thing’. But when it comes to vulnerable people the playing field, so to speak, isn’t exactly at its most level. The potential for real emotional and other harm is real, with lasting damage done to the individuals concerned. Best then to focus on the 12 Step program’s only requirement for membership: a genuine desire to stop doing the thing that’s causing you harm.
You can read more about the dark art of 13th Stepping from a woman’s perspective in the article I’ve posted below.
One day at a time.
Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash
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