For Families

For the families of alcoholics, life can become unbearable. I grew up in an alcoholic home, which quite probably set the scene for my own problems later on. My mum had a drinking problem and one of the main issues I faced as a child and man, was her tendency to cover it up and pretend it wasn’t happening. As such alcoholism became, as it has for so many, something associated with shame, guilt and embarrassment. Not only does this approach cut the alcoholic off from getting proper help, it also lumbers their family with the burden of having to try and deal with the emotional and practical backwash alone. Addiction thrives in isolation.

As a kid, I didn’t really know what to do about a problem that was clearly unfolding in front of my eyes. I was conditioned almost to believe that it didn’t exist. And I knew nothing of groups such as Al-Anon and Alateen, who work to support the families and children of alcoholics. There was no internet to access such things easily and, because of the shame thing, I found it impossible to ask around for help. I’m determined not to make the same mistake with my own son. So, using age-appropriate language and without using the label of ‘alcoholism’, his mother and I explained to him what is happening and that I’m getting help. Kids are as smart as a whip anyway, and I could see that he already had concerns. A friend at AA had told his kids young as well and used the analogy of eating too many sweets:

Dad: How do you feel if you eat two lollies?
Kid: ‘Good!’
Dad: Yep. Now how do you feel if you eat six bags of lollies?
Kid: ‘I feel sick!’
Dad: Exactly. But it’s difficult to stop when you’ve started because lollies taste so good, right? Daddy’s the same with wine. He can’t stop himself drinking too much, and then he feels really unwell and sad and that’s why he goes to meetings with friends who can help him. But he’s going to be okay.

It took a deep breath before I said these things to my son, but he listened carefully, said he understood, and that he could he play with his LEGO now please. So that’s that. I think that as long as he knows that Daddy is safe and well, then he’s happy and can at least have some understanding of what’s happening. At the very least it isn’t the kind of dirty secret that made me so wretchedly unhappy as a teenager. The damage caused by alcoholism ripples out like a stone thrown into water, and I’m determined that it stops with me. I’ll gladly take the pain for him and deal with it as I must.

But when I first went to AA I was dumbstruck to find that people often brought their kids to meetings. How could this be, I wondered? Of course this was the part of me that still regarded alcoholism as a public shame. I quickly came to realise that, by normalising the problem, these people were doing their children a massive service. The kids don’t care, they just want to know that their mum or dad are happy and safe. Mostly the kids at AA meetings look bored out of their brains, or spend their time playing games on mum’s phone, or whatever. And for single parents, they may not have a choice but to go to a meeting, if they want to not have a drink. It’s the oxygen mask analogy: you can’t help the ones closest to you, if you can’t help yourself first. You have to keep breathing.

Al-Anon Family Groups was largely founded by Lois Wilson, the long-suffering wife of Bill Wilson, one of the great drunks of the 20th century and co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ve never been to a meeting of Al-Anon, although I really should have, so can’t speak with any great expertise on the matter. But I do know this: if you are in any kind of distress over a family member or friend who has a drinking problem, don’t hesitate to get in touch with them. Same with Alateen for kids and teenagers who are worried about their parent’s drinking. Meetings near you, and there will be one, can easily be found with a quick Google: ‘Al-Anon meetings near me’. As with AA, when you go to a meeting of Al-Anon or Alateen, you’ll be treated with kindness and respect by people who are going through the same things you are. Abandon all notions of shame and guilt and get the help and compassion you deserve.

For me, I want my son to know that, if he grows up with some kind of issue, that he can turn quickly to his parents for help and that they’ll understand. I also want him to know that there are groups out there who can help him and that, more than likely, some of his friends will be going through the same thing too, or had parents with a drink problem as well.

However it is, don’t suffer in silence, because alcoholism doesn’t just destroy the subject of its rage, but the families around them too. Don’t let it win. Don’t let it take the people you love and throw them onto the raging bonfire of addiction. Help yourself first, and then, maybe, you can go on to help your loved one, who you can see is in such unbearable pain.

Which brings me to a really important point: you can’t help an addict if they’re not prepared to help themselves. So, whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up over notions such as ‘I’m a terrible wife because I can’t stop my husband from drinking’, or worse, ‘I wish we’d done more’, because to a large extent it’s up to them. That’s not to say you shouldn’t help or try to help, just be aware that the person in question is in the midst of a terrible predicament and only they can make the first move on their journey out of addiction and despair.

One day at a time.