Beware Your Sobriety Count

Writer and recovering addict Doran Lamb on why counting your sober days may not be as helpful as you think

I write for the platform Medium and a quick scroll through the articles on sobriety, shows how often sober time is mentioned or referred to in many of the titles. Time and specifically the length of time a writer has been sober seems to get a lot of writing space. And not just on Medium but in general on sobriety.

Many of those in recovery believe that length of time is fundamental in having the answers or being successful

I find this interesting. It seems to indicate that many of those in recovery believe that length of time is fundamental in having the answers or being successful. I believe that this is more likely to be those new to recovery, as counting time can initially and understandably be a motivating factor.

I have previously written on this topic, putting forward my argument that I choose not to count my sobriety time and believe that it’s not a useful indicator of success in sobriety.

Celebrating length of time in sobriety has become so ingrained in our measurement of its success that I worry we have lost sight of the bigger picture

This argument was not as contentious as I believed it would be. The majority of readers agreed and said that they also felt this way but had been afraid to express it. Partly due to the 12 step model, celebrating length of time in sobriety has become so ingrained in our measurement of its success that I worry we have lost sight of the bigger picture.

The longer we stick to anything does not automatically make us an expert at it. There are many other factors involved.

Why do we repeatedly equate time commitment with success?

However, as a society, an individual’s time commitment or length of service frequently generates prestige and is a fundamental way we measure success.

We only need to think of gold or diamond weddings and the idea that those who stick at something, through the good times and the bad makes them more knowledgeable. We believe people who have stayed together the longest have the answers to a successful marriage. And here we arrive at the crux of the issue.

Why does a long marriage have to mean a successful marriage? Why do we repeatedly equate time commitment with success?

Can a short, sweet but happy marriage also be successful? Can it be considered more successful than a long marriage between two people who may have been happier apart?

Why do we consider a lengthy commitment to be so f**king wonderful?

Therefore in that sense length of time sober does equal success. But the longer you commit to anything does not mean you have superior knowledge. You might but you also as equally might not.

You can explain what worked for you and the path you have chosen, but that may not be how others would or should do it. You may not want to marry the first person you fell hopelessly in love with and have 4 kids. Equally, the lessons I have learned and the techniques I hold true for my success in sobriety may not ring true for you.

We have to be open and willing to accept that sometimes those who are new to a path have more useful suggestions than those who have been treading it a long time

It may seem that those who have stuck to sobriety for many years have the answers, after all, they have stopped drinking the longest. This is what we all want. But their rules may not be applicable to you and your circumstances. The longer we live the life we have chosen, the more we adapt to the rules and conventions we have chosen to live by. How I live my life may be dumb AF to you.

The truth is everything we do becomes easier the more we do it. Not because it’s a good way of doing it, not because we know all the answers, but because doing it over and over makes it easier

So those who stick at sobriety may find how they do sobriety easier the longer they do it, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right way for them or for you and it doesn’t mean you should copy their choices or place them on a pedestal.

We have to be open and willing to accept that sometimes those who are new to a path have more useful suggestions than those who have been treading it a long time.

Those who stick at sobriety may find how they do sobriety easier the longer they do it, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right way and it doesn’t mean you should copy their choices or place them on a pedestal

I will never have all the answers to life, marriage, or sobriety. And I worry about those who think they do. All we have to share is what works for us and if people choose to think I know more than them, I have concerns. Because if the truth is known, I have been doing this living thing a long time and I still feel like the new person in the room.

These are more accurate measures of sobriety success:

• Am I being true to myself?
• Am I being true to others?
• Am I being considerate of my feelings?
• Am I being considerate of others’ feelings?
• Am I putting myself and my feelings first in a way that is respectful and considerate?
• Am I frequently fantasizing about my substance of choice?
• Am I looking for a quick fix to soothe my negative feelings and emotions? Spending, exercise, sex, pornography, or pills of any kind?
• Am I able to welcome and accept uncomfortable emotions as much as comfortable ones and not try to fight them or cause harm to myself or others when they occur? For example, excessively heaping blame on yourself or others.
• Was I lying to myself answering some or all of those questions?

Did you pretend to yourself that you were achieving all of those things and then feel bad that you weren’t? Congratulations you’re definitely an addict and you’re definitely in recovery. But you still need to accept this: recovery isn’t about perfection. It’s about awareness and acceptance of your shortcomings.

In my opinion, no addict in recovery is going to be able to answer all of those questions with full marks. No honest person who considers themselves to have a healthy relationship with substances would be likely able to answer those questions affirmatively.

That’s worrying. Because it’s highly unlikely.

You have to be able to admit that even after 6 years sober, you still f**k up at times, you sometimes walk around the supermarket and see the booze aisle and wish you could just have one bottle or one six-pack.

You have to admit that you occasionally still let people down. I for instance am terrible at committing to things. I over-commit and then I can’t meet deadlines because I’m doing way too much. I get caught up in this cycle of agreeing too much, feeling guilty for not doing everything, and then starting the cycle all over again by agreeing.

This has not gone away with sobriety. I’m constantly working on it. It’s still there and always will be. What sobriety has given me, if I choose to see it, is the ability to see myself as I am and the ability to make changes.

The cravings may be gone but the behaviors and thought patterns that drove you towards addiction can always return, and your success should be determined upon your acceptance of these parts of you

The truth is recovery is hard. And for me, it will never be actually done, though I understand that this is not the same for everyone. I will never say, well I’ve made my ten years and written a book: I’m finished with this recovery stuff.

I will never be done and will never have all the answers.

The cravings may be gone but the behaviors and thought patterns that drove you towards addiction can always return, and your success should be determined upon your acceptance of these parts of you. You can be in a fantastic place after 6 months in recovery or a bad place after 6 years.

A big red flag of addiction is being completely ignorant of problems or pretending to be. Addicts always know they are addicts deep down but admitting a problem means you have to do something about it, therefore self-deception becomes a go-to when the shit hits the fan.

Therefore any signs of this or becoming insistent on perfection no matter the cost should be a red flag for those in recovery. Being unable to see that you’re messing up or being unable to admit it shows you need to do work on yourself.

Good luck with your journey through sobriety and own your path whatever it looks like.

Doran Lamb is a freelance writer on relationships, addiction, and mental health. She writes to challenge the stigma that exists as a result of mental health and through her writing wants the world to know that individual difference makes the world dynamic, sexy and beautiful. She is proudly an addict in recovery, a mother, and an opinionated woman, who has learned not to give a f**k what anyone thinks.

Doran is currently working on a memoir about the sinkhole she fell into when prescribed benzodiazepines. Written with her trademark brutal honesty and darkly humorous style, it’s guaranteed to make you laugh, cry and never look at Xanax the same way again.